Rat in a Cage

There have been moments today I thought I'd break down and cry. There have been moments I felt a protective but suffocating bubble around me. I'm not really sure where I'm at now. A little of both, maybe.

Have you are been in a room full of people and felt utterly alone? That's me so much of the time. I'm really good at faking it. I always have been. I can make people think I'm the happiest person they've met. Well, not quite as good at that anymore. I think since things have been clicking, or seeming more insane, I've lost a little of my ability to do that. I used to be able to put a smile on a mile long while crying on the inside. I can still do that but that smiles a little dimmer.

I really wish I could start my therapy again, right now! However, I have a debt to pay first. Then I will start back. Next month, damn it. My fear is I will get there and not know what to say. Will I close off? Will I be as open as I was before? I mean I don't think I was as open as I think I could have been but I that same time, I'm not sure what was being hidden. Maybe the same things that are being hidden from me now.

What's wrong with me, for crying out loud? Part of me knows. Part of me thinks it's all bologna and I'm just f'ing nuts!

DID? Could that really be it? Is that really what you think is going on? It's so different from your mom's. However, I truly feel as though I'm not alone all the time. As lonely as I feel 90% of the time, that's a funny thought. I feel as though I'm forced to do things I don't want to do. Like no matter how hard I try not to do it, no matter how much I argue (with myself or whomever is in there), I still see myself doing it. I sometimes get this tingly feeling as I'm doing it. Its very annoying and upsetting.

I'm actually kind of doing this, hoping that when I start back to therapy, Don will read what I've written. I don't know if he will. He's not big into computers, I don't think. I told him once, or at least think I told him once, I wished he had email. The problem is once I know someone is reading this, will I be as open and honest? I truly don't know. Right now I feel safe writing because I know no one is watching. I can be my insane self.

I feel like a rat in a cage! Let me out or drown me for crying out loud! (Random! I know. But like I said before, no ones reading.)