Fuck it

I have to say that I have a wide range of emotions going on right now.

One of my uncles died yesterday. I had so many emotions and truly none of them felt like mine. The thing is, I know I spent time with him. What kind of time? I don't know. The only memory I really haeve of him was a fight he had with another uncle or someone at my grandmother's house, when I was very little, and weapons were drawn. Other than that I don't remember him. Anyway, when I found out, I felt nothing. Then I went to my friend's house to pick something up. I started crying. Where the hell did that come from? Then I kept feeling a relief that he was gone. All of these things all at once. So, many people pushing feelings at you is so exhausting, and I say that people were doing this because I really don't feel like they were mine, or at least not completely mine.

On top of that, I'm dealing with emotional abuse, from my friend. I have to get out of that relationship but I just don't know how. It's like one part says get the hell out. Another part says I can't leave without him. Another just doesn't want to deal. I just want to know what I feel but I don't.

I don't want to be the go between anymore! I'm tired of it. I feel as though I'm a shell for everyone else to push things on, and not just the voices in my head. I'm talking about everyone. I'm tired of feeling as though I have to handle everyone's crap. I'm there for everyone but not there for myself.

There other night, when my friend was being very very hurtful over the fact that I wouldn't be "intimate" with him, I went into the bathroom crying. I looked into the mirror, and the eyes staring back at me wasn't mine. The words spoken out loud was, "If you lay one hand on him. If you allow him to have his way. I will cut you! Don't think I won't!" It scared the crap out of me because I could picture the razor blade in my hand and being forced to do it. It's happened plenty of times before. Well, needless to say I stayed as far away from my friend as possible.

The problem is, when there is so much emotional turmoil going on inside, that voice and feeling is there more. I don't understand it. I don't want to hurt myself but like I said, it's happened before. I don't want to feel this way! I want everything to go away!

I'm so sorry! I shouldn't be writing any of this. I'm crazy! I know I am! I need to finally realize that and get the hell over it.