I don't think I posted anything yesterday. I guess I could look back and check but that just seems like way too much trouble. My mental stability seems to be in flux. One moment I feel fine, and the next I feel as though I'm going to fall apart. Actually, that's not really true. I have the same feelings at the same time. Go figure, lol. I have been having lots of conversations with myself today. The whole "I" on one side, and "you" on the other. So, some one or some people are being very vocal today.

Have you ever been surrounded by people and felt so alone? Have you ever thought that, if you screamed at the top of your lungs, in a crowded room, no one would turn to look? That's me lately! On top of that, I feel as though I have no one. Logically, I know that's not true. However, I sit at home nite after nite with nothing to do. No one to do anything with. This is my fault. I don't make the effort. I get invited to stuff, and don't go. I stay home alone instead. Then I complain that I have no one. lol. The problem is, I don't want to go out and drink, which is what most of the invites entail. Spending money on getting drunk, at a bar, and making a complete fool out of myself (or at least feeling as though I have) doesn't sound like a good time to me.

What I really want and need to someone to confide in. Someone I'm not afraid to say whatever I want. My friends back home would say I have that but they don't understand the thoughts put into my head. They don't understand the fear behind being open. They don't understand the fear of everyone leaving me. UGH...

You know that they love you, and that nothing will change that.

True but at the same time, I've thought that about others too. I can't lose some of these people. You know that.

Right right. However, you not talking to them isn't going to help the f'ing relationships either. Feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to help.

Yes but its less likely to effect relationships by by a little distance than to truly let people in.

Ok. I'm going to end that conversation now. I've had it a million times and it never helps. The thing is, no one really truly knows me. There are a few that have an inkling but they just think I'm depressed. They don't know how truly screwed up I am. One or two have a little more in site but even they don't know the extent of it. Of course, I don't either. So, we're even. lol. The wall I used to have up was so solid, thick, and strong. People used to think I was happy, mostly. That's all changed. The thin ass wall I have now is a joke. It's always work to make sure no one can see through the cracks.

Anyone got some concrete to help me patch it up?