I feel kind of weird. Almost like a caged animal needing to get out. I feel as though I should write but not really sure what to write. Maybe a little background. Not that anyone is reading this but it helps me feel productive.
For the first few years of my life, my father was in the Marines. My birth was sort of a miracle. My mom had lost two babies, and the doctors told my mom she should abort me. I would be mentally retarded (that may not be a pc term but that's what it called back in the day). I was born a month or so early, but was normal. My mom and dad was so happy, from what I've been told. When I was about 2, my father was honorably discharged from the military. Honorably discharged? Stumps me! He was caught cheating on my mom (which he did all the time), and as a result was discharged. So, we moved back to my parents hometown.
As a parental background, both my parents were abused. I don't know a whole lot about my father's abuse. All I know is that my mother told me once that he was. My mother was brutally abused, sexually, physically, emotionally, from a young age into adulthood, by her family. Due to the abuse she suffered, she splintered into pieces. MPD was the diagnosis when she finally found out what was going on with her. She integrated and now denies that the abuse (especially ritual abuse) ever happened. Although, I have reason to believe she either didn't fully integrate or that she broke off again.
The only confirmed memory of my father is seeing him through the living room window, of the house we were living in. He was walking toward the house, in the snow. He picked up snow, and brought it in. I remember someone (probably mom) taking me into the kitchen and sitting me on the counter. They tried to convince me to eat the snow but I refuse, saying people had walked on it. I don't remember my father inside the house at all. Only him walking outside. I was probably about 2 years old at this point.
When I was about 3 or 4, I can't remember which, my mom finally left my dad. No keep in mind, all of what I tell you here is what I've been told by my mom. I had always been a daddy's girl. Several months before my mom left daddy, I had started not wanting daddy and only wanting mom. She thought it was just a normal thing. She had started night classes, and I was left with my father while she was gone. One night when my mom was about to leave, I started crying. My father said not to worry he would take care of me. I guess my mom hadn't left the house yet, when he walked into my bedroom. My mom said as soon as he walked in, I screamed as though someone was hurting me, like I was scared to death. That was when she knew. That's night, for a long time, when I thought she had left him. I swear that's what she told when I was young but it seems, if I remember correctly, that she didn't leave him that night. I don't know how much longer we stayed there. She says I was never left alone with him again. Social services started to investigate him. Because of that he left town. I'm not sure how long he was gone. Mom said social services was going to press charges. She said that they had evidence. However, when I finally got it out of her that we hadnt' immediately left daddy, she said that they had never even spoken to me. I doubt she ever even took me to a counselor.
My mom and dad were divorced, when I was about 4. I think that's when we moved in with my mom's mom and stepfather (remember who brutally abused my mom). I don't know how long we lived there. After the divorce, I supposedly never saw my dad again. He signed over rights. However, according to my cousin, whom I talked to a few years ago, she said she remembers him come by once (to my grandmother's house) to see me. I have no memory of this.
I only remember sleeping in my grandmother's house once, and that was when I was older. I have several memories of being there. Not years and years of memories but memories none the less. When I was growing up, I was allowed to be with my mother's family alone, but I was not allowed to be with my father's mother without someone there. The reason for this is a long story but it seems ridiculous to allow me to be with one abuser over anyone else, really. But that was the way it was until I was 12 years old. At this age, the roles were switched. I could be with my father's family alone but not my mother's without supervision. My mom said that this was because I turned the age she was when her stepfather started sexually abusing her.
I don't remember a whole lot. I remember playing with my cousins some. I remember having a lot of fun. After we moved out of my grandmother's house, I know that I spent the night over there quite a bit but I don't remember it at all. I remember a few holidays. I've already said that I only remember one summer (camp), until I was 15.
Now, my memory totally sucks. I blank out during conversations. Sometimes I see the person while they're talking but don't hear a word. Sometimes I can fake that I've actually been there the whole time. Sometimes I can't and have to ask, "I'm sorry. What did you say?" Sometimes when people remind me of things, I can't recall what they are talking about at all. I didn't, and still don't most of the time, think that I blank out but I'm finding that I do more often than I think. My system is just really good at covering it. I have come back into a conversation while it is ending, and I feel so confused but pretend like I was there. It's so hard.
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