Last night was not good at all. I wasn’t feeling good all day long. I got two steroid shots. One in each shoulder, and I’m apparently trying to get a cold. Well, a friend (with benefits, and who is extremely emotionally abusive) went to Denver and then I spent the night at his house because it was supposed to snow. We had a fine evening until bed time. He wanted sex, and I didn’t. I can’t tell you how many times he has shot me down when I’ve wanted it. So much, in fact, I have stopped even trying. However, every time (which is rarely) I have said no, he always tried to force it, *convince me*, and when he realizes that I’m not going to budge he gets angry. He’ll push me away from him and make pissy ass comments. Lately, he makes comments like it’s over then, or he tries to make it seem as if he’s getting it elsewhere. Later he subtly tells me he isn’t. This time he made it clear that all I am is a “fuck buddy” and if I’m not going to give it up I’m useless. He has said that’s all I am to him several times lately actually.
I’m trying really hard to get the courage up to end this. If that’s all I am, then why do I do things for him? Why does he ask for favors? I don’t know how to handle this. He is so emotionally abusive. He doesn’t think he is. In his mind he rationalizes the way he treats me as it’s helping make me a stronger person. That’s not how it is though. Emotional abuse is horrible. It tears down your self-esteem. You really start believing all of the bad, and when that is all every relationship you’ve ever had is like how do you not believe all of the negativity. How does one love them self, if so many of the people that supposed love you tell you that you’re shit?
I feel as though I’m this horrible person that can’t do anything right. What is right?
No comments:
Post a Comment