Well, another day similar to the last. I have got to stop dreaming. Truly! I'm just not sleeping well at all. Last night's dream was about RJ. We got married again (Ugh). He treated me as though I was lower than dirt. No kisses. No sex. Rarely a kind word. So, after being married a month, I went to a lawyer, without him having the slightest idea. I got and annulment. I got child support paperwork done, and let me tell you, RJ got screwed. Lol. It was a very disturbing dream. I wish I knew what they all meant. I mean, I know RJ, like every other man I've ever been with, was emotionally abusive but comparatively he was a saint. I use saint very loosely.
The problem is every relationship I've ever been in has been emotionally abusive. Of course, there is a reason for this. My abusive background. Incest victims internalize the hate, and that is why I have allowed myself to be subject to abuse my entire life. In my eyes, I deserve it. I wouldn't know what to do without it.
Now, that is not the thoughts every part of me has. Part of me knows I don't deserve it. Part of me hates the parts that thinks I do deserve, and hates them for allowing it to happen. Some don't really give a shit. It's all so conflicting.
The light headedness was there again this morning but not quite as bad. Now when I talk about this you have to understand that much of the day, almost every day, I feel light headed. I get headaches every day. So, these are times which are worse than normal. I really need to go see my T. I should go ahead and make an appointment but I won't. I'm sure.
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