Productive Day

I've actually gone a lot done around the house today. So, I feel good about being in my nice clean house. :)

I also stuck up for myself. Yay me! When I refused to do something someone wanted me to do, I said no. When he said why, my response was, "out of principle." Don't think he liked that much but I stuck to my guns, and he grew up and did it himself. That felt really good.

I've talked to myself a lot today. lol. The truly funny thing is, I probably talked to myself the same amount I always do but today I actually noticed it. I believe that's because a friend of mine on a yahoo group and I were talking. I told her a conversation I had with myself. She told me her normal conversation with herself (which sounded like my normal conversation too.). We talked about how neither one of believed in the diagnosis (which I haven't actually gotten yet) sometimes. She said that if she was just talking to herself why would she say "you" instead of "I". I do the same thing.

One thing I really hate is looking in the mirror and not seeing me!

Rat in a Cage

There have been moments today I thought I'd break down and cry. There have been moments I felt a protective but suffocating bubble around me. I'm not really sure where I'm at now. A little of both, maybe.

Have you are been in a room full of people and felt utterly alone? That's me so much of the time. I'm really good at faking it. I always have been. I can make people think I'm the happiest person they've met. Well, not quite as good at that anymore. I think since things have been clicking, or seeming more insane, I've lost a little of my ability to do that. I used to be able to put a smile on a mile long while crying on the inside. I can still do that but that smiles a little dimmer.

I really wish I could start my therapy again, right now! However, I have a debt to pay first. Then I will start back. Next month, damn it. My fear is I will get there and not know what to say. Will I close off? Will I be as open as I was before? I mean I don't think I was as open as I think I could have been but I that same time, I'm not sure what was being hidden. Maybe the same things that are being hidden from me now.

What's wrong with me, for crying out loud? Part of me knows. Part of me thinks it's all bologna and I'm just f'ing nuts!

DID? Could that really be it? Is that really what you think is going on? It's so different from your mom's. However, I truly feel as though I'm not alone all the time. As lonely as I feel 90% of the time, that's a funny thought. I feel as though I'm forced to do things I don't want to do. Like no matter how hard I try not to do it, no matter how much I argue (with myself or whomever is in there), I still see myself doing it. I sometimes get this tingly feeling as I'm doing it. Its very annoying and upsetting.

I'm actually kind of doing this, hoping that when I start back to therapy, Don will read what I've written. I don't know if he will. He's not big into computers, I don't think. I told him once, or at least think I told him once, I wished he had email. The problem is once I know someone is reading this, will I be as open and honest? I truly don't know. Right now I feel safe writing because I know no one is watching. I can be my insane self.

I feel like a rat in a cage! Let me out or drown me for crying out loud! (Random! I know. But like I said before, no ones reading.)

Over React Much

*sigh*

I am one that can't seem to control her emotions. The worst part is, I have so many conflicting emotions and thoughts that it gets so confusing. I have all of these feelings, I say I going to do this or not going to do that, then I do the opposite, of course. The result? Me beating myself up over doing whatever it is I did.

I can go from one emotional extreme to another, with a drop of a hat. The worst part is, feeling as though they aren't my emotions. Feeling as though I'm not in control. Will I ever have control over my life? I'm determined to one of these days. I still have hope!

Where did the summers go?

What do you do when you don't remember something? Retrace your steps? Ponder and ponder, until you can't ponder anymore? What if everything you try fails?

Dissociation is like a never ending frustration. You can't really retrace. You can ponder until your head hurts (which most likely hurt to begin with) but that doesn't work. Therapy? Maybe that helps. I started therapy in October 2009. Since then I've had 2 or 3 memories but then you wonder if they're real or false.

With DID, not only do you do you deal with a loss of memories, you also deal with a plethora of other issues. For me, the other main issues are: Who am I? How do I deal with the light headedness and headaches? Will the thoughts in my head ever stop? Will I ever know this diagnosis is me? and probably a lot more that I just can't think of right now.

So, with all of these issues and knowing that no matter what, there is dissociation there, you would think I would be used to not remembering. It wouldn't bother you, right? Wrong! At least in my case.

I was talking to a friend yesterday. I was telling him about the summer of my sixth year. Camp! I loved camp! However, when I ended up getting hurt, my mom stopped taking me. When asked, what did you do during summers when you weren't at camp, I didn't know. I don't remember any summer until possibly 14 or 15 years old.

This was so awful! How could every summer be gone? I was so distressed about this. Of course, in about 15 minutes, I had, not forgotten but let it slip to the back of my mind, to let someone else deal with it but it keeps slipping back to the for front.

And the road begins...

The title is actually quite the lie, isn't it? The road began 34 years ago. I'm hoping the road I'm talking about is the road to acceptance, and self actualization. You would think, at 34, I would know who I am and have accepted where I came from but this is not the case.

We have all been through a great deal. We have dealt with so much. The scary part is, we don't know what all we have dealt with but we do know that it is bad. The memories are there but they don't want to share them, or maybe they are just protecting us.

I know I'm scared to death of the realization of my past. The few memories and self-actualizations, have been overwhelming, and have truly come in the last couple of days. I'm not sure how safe it is to express myself here. Of course, I've never truly felt safe expressing myself, in an honest way.

We are going to warn you now. This blog, if you happen to stumble upon it, maybe a little confusing and poorly written. It may also seem very disjointed. Ugh...It shouldn't be but babbling tends to happen with us. So, I/we apologize in advance!

Also, this maybe one of those things that get started but never get finished. We are hoping that isn't the case but Sam may decide that this was a very bad idea, and put a stop to it.

I may write more than once a day, or I may go for long periods of not writing. My luck, I'll forget all about this. lol. I don't really plan on sharing this with anyone, except maybe one or two people. It's to scary letting people see the real you, ya know? Well, that's my introduction. Something has started within me, and I truly hope I continue to blog, and progress.