Checking In

Ok. I'm back. I haven't been writing much lately. Not really sure why but oh well. School started back, and is already stressing me out. I have decided to drop my Algebra Online class. So, I can concentrate on A&P II. That is the important class at this time. With everything else going on in my head, I don't need any other stresses right now. so, for once I'm going to take care of myself.

 I have spent entirely too much money the past week but it was needed. The whole family needed clothes, like you wouldn't believe. However, I always feel so guilty for spending money on myself. That's ok though. Other parts of me have no trouble with it at all.

I really can't wait to get my income tax money. There are so money things (including savings) that I need/want to do with it. One is paying of my therapist and starting that again! The problem is, I'll go and have nothing to talk about. Part of me truly wonders if therapy actually helps me. I know that part of me doesn't want to go but I know I need it. So, I have to, once again, force the issue and myself into action.

Not really in the mood...

I've neglected writing for a few days. Too much going on. I'm not doing so good, and don't really care to talk or write about it. I just wish I wasn't me!

Fuck it

I have to say that I have a wide range of emotions going on right now.

One of my uncles died yesterday. I had so many emotions and truly none of them felt like mine. The thing is, I know I spent time with him. What kind of time? I don't know. The only memory I really haeve of him was a fight he had with another uncle or someone at my grandmother's house, when I was very little, and weapons were drawn. Other than that I don't remember him. Anyway, when I found out, I felt nothing. Then I went to my friend's house to pick something up. I started crying. Where the hell did that come from? Then I kept feeling a relief that he was gone. All of these things all at once. So, many people pushing feelings at you is so exhausting, and I say that people were doing this because I really don't feel like they were mine, or at least not completely mine.

On top of that, I'm dealing with emotional abuse, from my friend. I have to get out of that relationship but I just don't know how. It's like one part says get the hell out. Another part says I can't leave without him. Another just doesn't want to deal. I just want to know what I feel but I don't.

I don't want to be the go between anymore! I'm tired of it. I feel as though I'm a shell for everyone else to push things on, and not just the voices in my head. I'm talking about everyone. I'm tired of feeling as though I have to handle everyone's crap. I'm there for everyone but not there for myself.

There other night, when my friend was being very very hurtful over the fact that I wouldn't be "intimate" with him, I went into the bathroom crying. I looked into the mirror, and the eyes staring back at me wasn't mine. The words spoken out loud was, "If you lay one hand on him. If you allow him to have his way. I will cut you! Don't think I won't!" It scared the crap out of me because I could picture the razor blade in my hand and being forced to do it. It's happened plenty of times before. Well, needless to say I stayed as far away from my friend as possible.

The problem is, when there is so much emotional turmoil going on inside, that voice and feeling is there more. I don't understand it. I don't want to hurt myself but like I said, it's happened before. I don't want to feel this way! I want everything to go away!

I'm so sorry! I shouldn't be writing any of this. I'm crazy! I know I am! I need to finally realize that and get the hell over it.

What is Right?

Last night was not good at all. I wasn’t feeling good all day long. I got two steroid shots. One in each shoulder, and I’m apparently trying to get a cold. Well, a friend (with benefits, and who is extremely emotionally abusive) went to Denver and then I spent the night at his house because it was supposed to snow. We had a fine evening until bed time. He wanted sex, and I didn’t. I can’t tell you how many times he has shot me down when I’ve wanted it. So much, in fact, I have stopped even trying. However, every time (which is rarely) I have said no, he always tried to force it, *convince me*, and when he realizes that I’m not going to budge he gets angry. He’ll push me away from him and make pissy ass comments. Lately, he makes comments like it’s over then, or he tries to make it seem as if he’s getting it elsewhere. Later he subtly tells me he isn’t. This time he made it clear that all I am is a “fuck buddy” and if I’m not going to give it up I’m useless. He has said that’s all I am to him several times lately actually.

I’m trying really hard to get the courage up to end this. If that’s all I am, then why do I do things for him? Why does he ask for favors? I don’t know how to handle this. He is so emotionally abusive. He doesn’t think he is. In his mind he rationalizes the way he treats me as it’s helping make me a stronger person. That’s not how it is though. Emotional abuse is horrible. It tears down your self-esteem. You really start believing all of the bad, and when that is all every relationship you’ve ever had is like how do you not believe all of the negativity. How does one love them self, if so many of the people that supposed love you tell you that you’re shit?

I feel as though I’m this horrible person that can’t do anything right. What is right?

Back at it

Well, I'm back to work this morning. I survived my weekend. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I got quite a bit done but not as much as I wanted to. I shouldn't be so hard on myself because really I did a lot. I start the couch to 5k. I've done day 1 and 2. I cleaned out the computer armoire and my filing cabinet. The house got cleaned (although it doesn't look it now). I also made an appointment with the Orthopedic doctor to finally have my shoulders checked. So, really I did good but don't feel like I did. It's never ending though.

This morning I'm not feeling so hot. I'm light headed. The weird thing is, I'm usually more light headed, at work. Not to say I don't get light headed outside of work because I do but I think it's just more noticeable here because I'm trying to concentrate so much more. It's so very annoying though. Plus, I feel as though I am digging the depression hole today. I need to figure out a way to stop. So, that I can still climb back out, ya know?

So, I need to start preparing myself for school. I get back at that this coming Monday. Ugh...A&P2! Kill me now! At least I know what to expect, and know what I need to do to get an A this time around. I made a B last semester, and I worked really hard for that B. I plan on working harder this semester and coming out with an A. If I don't get an A I am not going to be happy. I should be able to get an A.

I know I put too many high expectations on myself but I can't help it. I've always been that way. One of these days I might get to where I can relax and not set goals that are going to stress me out but that won't happen until school is over and boards are taken.

Weekend

So, I'm sitting here, alone, in my room. I've been fine all day until now. I'm slipping into that depression that always hits on the weekend, at sometime or another. I just don't understand it. Ugh...

Not really sure what I should be writing. So, goodnight!

Old Dreams

So, today was a very productive day. Cleaned out a couple of things in the house. I started the couch to 5k, and my legs are fine but my left shoulder is killing me. Go figure. So, tomorrow I have somethings to do that didn't get done today but its not too much.

When I was cleaning some draws out I found something. A dream I had. I going to retype it here as a remembrance. Also, maybe eventually I'll understand the things around it.

~The first thing I remember is knowing that I loved this guy but I seemed to be afraid of him. First time I was sleeping with him. I was sleeping, at the foot of the bed. When he woke up he didn't understand why I was there but he didn't speak of it really. The next time we were sleeping in a different room and in the bed side by side. Seemed happy but I needed to get up to go to the bathroom. I seemed very anxous and worried about going. I got up and went to the bathroom. It was connected to the room and the other bed room. I couldn't close the door all the way. Either of them. While I was peeing, the guys mother came home, and came into the bathroom. I was very scared. The next thing I knew I was on the porch crying. It felt almost like the guy had proposed of something. I was happy and extremely sad. It was like all of these memories started pouring  into my memory. The next thing I knew I was in a restaurant (that actually turned into the trailer we were living in). I was with this guy (I think). I received a full page hand out. There was some kind of old timey brown and white pic on one side of it. I can't remember what the pic was. All I remember is a woman's eyes. On the other side, was the word blossom, in big brown (same brown as the other side). The guy that gave it to me said that this word had a way of calming people down. The next thing I knew two men and a woman came into the restaurant and was taking everyone hostage. Everyone was in a panic. The guy was at the counter in the back. I went over there, rang the little silver bell, and said blossom. Right away everything was calm and the only people there was me and my sister, the two men (one of which was the one I was in love with at thembeginning of the dream.), and the other guy was his brother, and the woman, which was his mother. We were now in the trailer and living together but me and my sister were prisoners but free to move around the trailer. The guys brother started losing it, and he decided to rape my sister. She went nuts, and I begged for him not to hurt her so he took me instead. He raped me viciously but I don't think I actually experienced it in the dream. I remember being beaten up after though. The guy (porch love guy) was then told to rape me, by his mother. I heard him say from the porch where we were talking and I was remembering that he did it not because hewant to do it, he hated it, but he was afraid of what his brother and mother would do to me, if he tried to protect me. The next thing I knew his mother wanted to take me out. I was in a dress that I would never wear. The next memory was me running in fields, and by a house trying to escape her detection. I was terrified. I forgot. When I took the rape for my sister, she was disappeared but came back at this point. The next thing in the dream. His mother, the guy and me decided to go to the movie. His little brother (the crazy one) wanted tot stay. When we went to the movie, my dream stayed with the brother. He was packing and trying to escape. We then came home. There was a man and a woman with a child about 1 year old, in the trailer, with the brother. The mother came in the back door because she some how knew that the brother was trying to leave. She had a nail gun and she shot him in the stomach. He then went out to see his brother (the guy on the porch). The guy talked to him and tried to understand. The guy seemed truly sorry for what he had to do. The guy took his gun out and started putting a silencer on it. He had problems doing that. I'm not sure where I was at this point. Then we were back on the porch and I was coming out of the memory.~

Its weird. After reading this dream, parts of it I can see again clear as day. The question is, what the hell does it, or did it, mean.

Who Knows?

So, once again, the weekend is upon us. I can't wait not to not have to work but at the same time, I know that I will feel the depression creep in, due to not being busy. How can look forward to something and dread it at the same time? Very easily. Let me tell ya!

So, I'm nearly done with my book. It's been a long hard road but I've almost reached the end. It's amazing the things these people went through. I know there is no way I could have gone through even almost as much as she did. It's really weird. I've seen the movie many times. So, I knew the atrocities that occurred. However reading it! Reading the Troops words! Reading about the empty shell! Sometimes I feel like an empty shell. Sometimes I feel as though there is nothingness. It's very hard to describe. Don't get me wrong. It's nothing compared to this woman. I can't even imagine.

How does one get over the past? Can you get over it without remembering it? I really hate the thought of remembering anything but at the same time, I can't stand the thought of not knowing. I have to believe I will be given the memories when I am ready, or never. Who knows?

One Problem with Me

Well, another day similar to the last. I have got to stop dreaming. Truly! I'm just not sleeping well at all. Last night's dream was about RJ. We got married again (Ugh). He treated me as though I was lower than dirt. No kisses. No sex. Rarely a kind word. So, after being married a month, I went to a lawyer, without him having the slightest idea. I got and annulment. I got child support paperwork done, and let me tell you, RJ got screwed. Lol. It was a very disturbing dream. I wish I knew what they all meant. I mean, I know RJ, like every other man I've ever been with, was emotionally abusive but comparatively he was a saint. I use saint very loosely.

The problem is every relationship I've ever been in has been emotionally abusive. Of course, there is a reason for this. My abusive background. Incest victims internalize the hate, and that is why I have allowed myself to be subject to abuse my entire life. In my eyes, I deserve it. I wouldn't know what to do without it.

Now, that is not the thoughts every part of me has. Part of me knows I don't deserve it. Part of me hates the parts that thinks I do deserve, and hates them for allowing it to happen. Some don't really give a shit. It's all so conflicting.

The light headedness was there again this morning but not quite as bad. Now when I talk about this you have to understand that much of the day, almost every day, I feel light headed. I get headaches every day. So, these are times which are worse than normal. I really need to go see my T. I should go ahead and make an appointment but I won't. I'm sure.

Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmm

All of a sudden, sitting on a conference call, I got the dizzy (light headedness). Worse than I can remember it ever being. It's still really bad. It's awful. It feels like the body is one big tingle. Actually, the book I'm reading describes it best as a humming sensation. WTF is happening. I feel the hum a lot but not like this!

Tornado Drill

So, today's not too bad. Like Yesterday I have been keeping myself busy but now there is really nothing to do. I feel a headache somewhere in my head. Does it think it's sneaking up on me? The light headedness is getting really bad. Shaking. I hate it! I really hate it! I will take more Ibuprofen, and hope that helps. Half the time it does and half the time it doesn't. Hold on while I do that, or I'll forget.................................................. There! Done!

I've not been sleeping well the past few nights, and I think its starting to catch up on me. I'm so tired. I've been dreaming a lot. Last nights dream was very strange. There were several people in the dream but the only ones I remember is Jonah, Mia, and myself. It wasn't one of those dreams were you're looking at it like a movie. I was looking out through my eyes. We were in some sort of building. I kept thinking it was a church but it didn't look like a church. Someone looked outside and from a distance saw something, and asked "What is that?" We all looked out the windows, and that's when I realized it was a tornado coming straight towards us. It wasn't too far away. The other people yelled to get down. They all crouched down and got near furniture. I just kept looking outside. It looked at one point as if it was turning and going to miss us but then turned back around and was right there. Then I realized what we were supposed to do, and with that thought, the tornado started back at its original position, and the scene started over. Exactly the same. what the people said and did. Except this time, I didn't just stare out the window. I told everyone to go downstairs to the basement. When we got down there I realized that the windows were just as big as the ones on the main floor. That shouldn't have been. They should have been smaller or not there at all. It was a basement. I kept frantically searching for a room with no windows but couldn't find one. I finally found a very small closet or bathroom (I can't remember which) with a very small window. I remember putting Jonah and Mia in there but don't remember anything else.  I don't know if I woke up or what.

I had actually forgotten about that dream until I started writing this. Wow! I guess this blog is helping. Now, the headache and the light headedness can go away anytime.

Yay me!

So, I have managed avoiding writing so far today, and reading my book for that matter ("When Rabbit Howls). I've actually managed to occupy my mind with other things, exciting things. I have decided (god I hope I actually follow through with this) to do the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, in June. So, I have to start training and getting ready. It actually gives me a reason to workout. The funny thing is, I'm not scared of the walk (yet!) but the fundraising. How the hell I'm I gonna raise $1800? Ugh... Besides that aspect, I'm really excited. Wonder how long that will last?

So, now I've run out of things to keep my mind occupied. I need to read my book but it's really hard to read. Don't get me wrong! It's a great book but really hard. I grew up knowing about Truddi and the Troops. I watched the movie several times when I was little, before I knew about my mom, and always identified with it in some way. I only have about 100 pages left, in it, and one of my friends wants to borrow it. So, I really need to finish it. Something's slowing me down though. I'll trudge along and finish it soon though. I really hate it when a book takes me so damn long to finish. I mean, I have another book I would like to read before school starts back too. And another that comes out on the 25th. lol. I'm such a nerd!  Anyway, gonna go read!

I don't think I posted anything yesterday. I guess I could look back and check but that just seems like way too much trouble. My mental stability seems to be in flux. One moment I feel fine, and the next I feel as though I'm going to fall apart. Actually, that's not really true. I have the same feelings at the same time. Go figure, lol. I have been having lots of conversations with myself today. The whole "I" on one side, and "you" on the other. So, some one or some people are being very vocal today.

Have you ever been surrounded by people and felt so alone? Have you ever thought that, if you screamed at the top of your lungs, in a crowded room, no one would turn to look? That's me lately! On top of that, I feel as though I have no one. Logically, I know that's not true. However, I sit at home nite after nite with nothing to do. No one to do anything with. This is my fault. I don't make the effort. I get invited to stuff, and don't go. I stay home alone instead. Then I complain that I have no one. lol. The problem is, I don't want to go out and drink, which is what most of the invites entail. Spending money on getting drunk, at a bar, and making a complete fool out of myself (or at least feeling as though I have) doesn't sound like a good time to me.

What I really want and need to someone to confide in. Someone I'm not afraid to say whatever I want. My friends back home would say I have that but they don't understand the thoughts put into my head. They don't understand the fear behind being open. They don't understand the fear of everyone leaving me. UGH...

You know that they love you, and that nothing will change that.

True but at the same time, I've thought that about others too. I can't lose some of these people. You know that.

Right right. However, you not talking to them isn't going to help the f'ing relationships either. Feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to help.

Yes but its less likely to effect relationships by by a little distance than to truly let people in.

Ok. I'm going to end that conversation now. I've had it a million times and it never helps. The thing is, no one really truly knows me. There are a few that have an inkling but they just think I'm depressed. They don't know how truly screwed up I am. One or two have a little more in site but even they don't know the extent of it. Of course, I don't either. So, we're even. lol. The wall I used to have up was so solid, thick, and strong. People used to think I was happy, mostly. That's all changed. The thin ass wall I have now is a joke. It's always work to make sure no one can see through the cracks.

Anyone got some concrete to help me patch it up?

Productive Day

I've actually gone a lot done around the house today. So, I feel good about being in my nice clean house. :)

I also stuck up for myself. Yay me! When I refused to do something someone wanted me to do, I said no. When he said why, my response was, "out of principle." Don't think he liked that much but I stuck to my guns, and he grew up and did it himself. That felt really good.

I've talked to myself a lot today. lol. The truly funny thing is, I probably talked to myself the same amount I always do but today I actually noticed it. I believe that's because a friend of mine on a yahoo group and I were talking. I told her a conversation I had with myself. She told me her normal conversation with herself (which sounded like my normal conversation too.). We talked about how neither one of believed in the diagnosis (which I haven't actually gotten yet) sometimes. She said that if she was just talking to herself why would she say "you" instead of "I". I do the same thing.

One thing I really hate is looking in the mirror and not seeing me!

Rat in a Cage

There have been moments today I thought I'd break down and cry. There have been moments I felt a protective but suffocating bubble around me. I'm not really sure where I'm at now. A little of both, maybe.

Have you are been in a room full of people and felt utterly alone? That's me so much of the time. I'm really good at faking it. I always have been. I can make people think I'm the happiest person they've met. Well, not quite as good at that anymore. I think since things have been clicking, or seeming more insane, I've lost a little of my ability to do that. I used to be able to put a smile on a mile long while crying on the inside. I can still do that but that smiles a little dimmer.

I really wish I could start my therapy again, right now! However, I have a debt to pay first. Then I will start back. Next month, damn it. My fear is I will get there and not know what to say. Will I close off? Will I be as open as I was before? I mean I don't think I was as open as I think I could have been but I that same time, I'm not sure what was being hidden. Maybe the same things that are being hidden from me now.

What's wrong with me, for crying out loud? Part of me knows. Part of me thinks it's all bologna and I'm just f'ing nuts!

DID? Could that really be it? Is that really what you think is going on? It's so different from your mom's. However, I truly feel as though I'm not alone all the time. As lonely as I feel 90% of the time, that's a funny thought. I feel as though I'm forced to do things I don't want to do. Like no matter how hard I try not to do it, no matter how much I argue (with myself or whomever is in there), I still see myself doing it. I sometimes get this tingly feeling as I'm doing it. Its very annoying and upsetting.

I'm actually kind of doing this, hoping that when I start back to therapy, Don will read what I've written. I don't know if he will. He's not big into computers, I don't think. I told him once, or at least think I told him once, I wished he had email. The problem is once I know someone is reading this, will I be as open and honest? I truly don't know. Right now I feel safe writing because I know no one is watching. I can be my insane self.

I feel like a rat in a cage! Let me out or drown me for crying out loud! (Random! I know. But like I said before, no ones reading.)

Slight Background Check

I feel kind of weird. Almost like a caged animal needing to get out. I feel as though I should write but not really sure what to write. Maybe a little background. Not that anyone is reading this but it helps me feel productive.

For the first few years of my life, my father was in the Marines. My birth was sort of a miracle. My mom had lost two babies, and the doctors told my mom she should abort me. I would be mentally retarded (that may not be a pc term but that's what it called back in the day). I was born a month or so early, but was normal. My mom and dad was so happy, from what I've been told. When I was about 2, my father was honorably discharged from the military. Honorably discharged? Stumps me! He was caught cheating on my mom (which he did all the time), and as a result was discharged. So, we moved back to my parents hometown.

As a parental background, both my parents were abused. I don't know a whole lot about my father's abuse. All I know is that my mother told me once that he was. My mother was brutally abused, sexually, physically, emotionally, from a young age into adulthood, by her family. Due to the abuse she suffered, she splintered into pieces. MPD was the diagnosis when she finally found out what was going on with her. She integrated and now denies that the abuse (especially ritual abuse) ever happened. Although, I have reason to believe she either didn't fully integrate or that she broke off again.

The only confirmed memory of my father is seeing him through the living room window, of the house we were living in. He was walking toward the house, in the snow. He picked up snow, and brought it in. I remember someone (probably mom) taking me into the kitchen and sitting me on the counter. They tried to convince me to eat the snow but I refuse, saying people had walked on it. I don't remember my father inside the house at all. Only him walking outside. I was probably about 2 years old at this point.

When I was about 3 or 4, I can't remember which, my mom finally left my dad. No keep in mind, all of what I tell you here is what I've been told by my mom. I had always been a daddy's girl. Several months before my mom left daddy, I had started not wanting daddy and only wanting mom. She thought it was just a normal thing. She had started night classes, and I was left with my father while she was gone. One night when my mom was about to leave, I started crying. My father said not to worry he would take care of me. I guess my mom hadn't left the house yet, when he walked into my bedroom. My mom said as soon as he walked in, I screamed as though someone was hurting me, like I was scared to death. That was when she knew. That's night, for a long time, when I thought she had left him.  I swear that's what she told when I was young but it seems, if I remember correctly, that she didn't leave him that night. I don't know how much longer we stayed there. She says I was never left alone with him again. Social services started to investigate him. Because of that he left town. I'm not sure how long he was gone. Mom said social services was going to press charges. She said that they had evidence. However, when I finally got it out of her that we hadnt' immediately left daddy, she said that they had never even spoken to me. I doubt she ever even took me to a counselor.

My mom and dad were divorced, when I was about 4. I think that's when we moved in with my mom's mom and stepfather (remember who brutally abused my mom). I don't know how long we lived there. After the divorce, I supposedly never saw my dad again. He signed over rights. However, according to my cousin, whom I talked to a few years ago, she said she remembers him come by once (to my grandmother's house) to see me. I have no memory of this.

I only remember sleeping in my grandmother's house once, and that was when I was older. I have several memories of being there. Not years and years of memories but memories none the less. When I was growing up, I was allowed to be with my mother's family alone, but I was not allowed to be with my father's mother without someone there. The reason for this is a long story but it seems ridiculous to allow me to be with one abuser over anyone else, really. But that was the way it was until I was 12 years old. At this age, the roles were switched. I could be with my father's family alone but not my mother's without supervision. My mom said that this was because I turned the age she was when her stepfather started sexually abusing her.

I don't remember a whole lot. I remember playing with my cousins some. I remember having a lot of fun. After we moved out of my grandmother's house, I know that I spent the night over there quite a bit but I don't remember it at all. I remember a few holidays. I've already said that I only remember one summer (camp), until I was 15.

Now, my memory totally sucks. I blank out during conversations. Sometimes I see the person while they're talking but don't hear a word. Sometimes I can fake that I've actually been there the whole time. Sometimes I can't and have to ask, "I'm sorry. What did you say?" Sometimes when people remind me of things, I can't recall what they are talking about at all. I didn't, and still don't most of the time, think that I blank out but I'm finding that I do more often than I think. My system is just really good at covering it. I have come back into  a conversation while it is ending, and I feel so confused but pretend like I was there. It's so hard.

Over React Much

*sigh*

I am one that can't seem to control her emotions. The worst part is, I have so many conflicting emotions and thoughts that it gets so confusing. I have all of these feelings, I say I going to do this or not going to do that, then I do the opposite, of course. The result? Me beating myself up over doing whatever it is I did.

I can go from one emotional extreme to another, with a drop of a hat. The worst part is, feeling as though they aren't my emotions. Feeling as though I'm not in control. Will I ever have control over my life? I'm determined to one of these days. I still have hope!

Where did the summers go?

What do you do when you don't remember something? Retrace your steps? Ponder and ponder, until you can't ponder anymore? What if everything you try fails?

Dissociation is like a never ending frustration. You can't really retrace. You can ponder until your head hurts (which most likely hurt to begin with) but that doesn't work. Therapy? Maybe that helps. I started therapy in October 2009. Since then I've had 2 or 3 memories but then you wonder if they're real or false.

With DID, not only do you do you deal with a loss of memories, you also deal with a plethora of other issues. For me, the other main issues are: Who am I? How do I deal with the light headedness and headaches? Will the thoughts in my head ever stop? Will I ever know this diagnosis is me? and probably a lot more that I just can't think of right now.

So, with all of these issues and knowing that no matter what, there is dissociation there, you would think I would be used to not remembering. It wouldn't bother you, right? Wrong! At least in my case.

I was talking to a friend yesterday. I was telling him about the summer of my sixth year. Camp! I loved camp! However, when I ended up getting hurt, my mom stopped taking me. When asked, what did you do during summers when you weren't at camp, I didn't know. I don't remember any summer until possibly 14 or 15 years old.

This was so awful! How could every summer be gone? I was so distressed about this. Of course, in about 15 minutes, I had, not forgotten but let it slip to the back of my mind, to let someone else deal with it but it keeps slipping back to the for front.

And the road begins...

The title is actually quite the lie, isn't it? The road began 34 years ago. I'm hoping the road I'm talking about is the road to acceptance, and self actualization. You would think, at 34, I would know who I am and have accepted where I came from but this is not the case.

We have all been through a great deal. We have dealt with so much. The scary part is, we don't know what all we have dealt with but we do know that it is bad. The memories are there but they don't want to share them, or maybe they are just protecting us.

I know I'm scared to death of the realization of my past. The few memories and self-actualizations, have been overwhelming, and have truly come in the last couple of days. I'm not sure how safe it is to express myself here. Of course, I've never truly felt safe expressing myself, in an honest way.

We are going to warn you now. This blog, if you happen to stumble upon it, maybe a little confusing and poorly written. It may also seem very disjointed. Ugh...It shouldn't be but babbling tends to happen with us. So, I/we apologize in advance!

Also, this maybe one of those things that get started but never get finished. We are hoping that isn't the case but Sam may decide that this was a very bad idea, and put a stop to it.

I may write more than once a day, or I may go for long periods of not writing. My luck, I'll forget all about this. lol. I don't really plan on sharing this with anyone, except maybe one or two people. It's to scary letting people see the real you, ya know? Well, that's my introduction. Something has started within me, and I truly hope I continue to blog, and progress.