Avoidance

You know, I really need to start writing more. I have been very bad lately but with school and everything, it's hard. I have been avoiding again. Avoiding everything I possibly can. I need to make a couple of calls, mail some things, and make some appointments but I can't seem to. I have even been avoiding studying and I have a test on Wednesday. Ugh...I'm doing it again. I see it. So, why can't I stop it? Is it self sabotage? Is it me making my life more stressful so I can had behind the stress? Hell, I don't know. I doubt that last one. The reason I doubt that is, I can hide with the normal day to day stressers. Plus, I have paid off my T and have called twice. So, I'm trying. My T has to be on vacation or something because I haven't heard from him. At least I'm trying to tell myself that is the reason. I tend to get it in my head that he is avoiding me. lol. That's what I do, not a T that needs the money, right?

I guess I've been having a hard time but I can't remember why. I think I have been hiding again using the problems that are going on with O. Problems. lol. I actually have no idea, if there are problems at the moment or not. I do know that I've promised myself the next time he is abusive I will kick him out of my life. The problem is, every time I say that he becomes so wonderful. So, then of course I start thinking its all in my head. He really has become a pro at working me but I let him get that way. Even if only I can see that. I allowed it and taught him everything, with my words and actions. So, I'll keep my fingers crossed that I won't fall again. Well, maybe I should say, I will get off the f'ing roll coaster after the next fall. It'll certainly surprise the hell out of him. That is one bonus to it.

Everything else is confusing. I tell everyone that I'm ok but I don't know if that's true or not. I don't know how to face my feelings, my past. I need to see my T soon. You know what's really sad? I've never been able to cry in therapy. I've almost cried. I cry inside but I'm not able to physically cry. Crazy, huh? It's almost like someone takes over the body (not the mind completely) and won't let it happen. ~~~~It's a sign of weakness. It shouldn't be done in front of anyone but it does too much but not if I can help it. ~~~~

Part of me, a huge part of me, doesn't want to go back to therapy. The problem with that is, I am the one that has to deal day to day. The headaches! The light headedness! The....shit....everything. I know that no matter what I have to deal but I need to learn how to. How to communicate internally.