Avoidance

You know, I really need to start writing more. I have been very bad lately but with school and everything, it's hard. I have been avoiding again. Avoiding everything I possibly can. I need to make a couple of calls, mail some things, and make some appointments but I can't seem to. I have even been avoiding studying and I have a test on Wednesday. Ugh...I'm doing it again. I see it. So, why can't I stop it? Is it self sabotage? Is it me making my life more stressful so I can had behind the stress? Hell, I don't know. I doubt that last one. The reason I doubt that is, I can hide with the normal day to day stressers. Plus, I have paid off my T and have called twice. So, I'm trying. My T has to be on vacation or something because I haven't heard from him. At least I'm trying to tell myself that is the reason. I tend to get it in my head that he is avoiding me. lol. That's what I do, not a T that needs the money, right?

I guess I've been having a hard time but I can't remember why. I think I have been hiding again using the problems that are going on with O. Problems. lol. I actually have no idea, if there are problems at the moment or not. I do know that I've promised myself the next time he is abusive I will kick him out of my life. The problem is, every time I say that he becomes so wonderful. So, then of course I start thinking its all in my head. He really has become a pro at working me but I let him get that way. Even if only I can see that. I allowed it and taught him everything, with my words and actions. So, I'll keep my fingers crossed that I won't fall again. Well, maybe I should say, I will get off the f'ing roll coaster after the next fall. It'll certainly surprise the hell out of him. That is one bonus to it.

Everything else is confusing. I tell everyone that I'm ok but I don't know if that's true or not. I don't know how to face my feelings, my past. I need to see my T soon. You know what's really sad? I've never been able to cry in therapy. I've almost cried. I cry inside but I'm not able to physically cry. Crazy, huh? It's almost like someone takes over the body (not the mind completely) and won't let it happen. ~~~~It's a sign of weakness. It shouldn't be done in front of anyone but it does too much but not if I can help it. ~~~~

Part of me, a huge part of me, doesn't want to go back to therapy. The problem with that is, I am the one that has to deal day to day. The headaches! The light headedness! The....shit....everything. I know that no matter what I have to deal but I need to learn how to. How to communicate internally.

Woo Hoo

I am so sick of the whining an crying! Something has to give. If they don't do something about this asshole, I will and they won't like the results. Just because he's nice sometimes doesn't make him a good guy! And who has to listen to the whining and crying? I do, and I"m sick of it! They better take care of it, or there won't even be a possibilty of a friendship after. lol. Dang I should just go ahead and punch him. Shoot they wouldn't let me. Not quite sure how I'm holding 'em back long enough to write this and that other freaking email. I'll give them a chance but if they don't end it soon I'm going to catch 'em when they're distracted and fucking handle it myself. lol. To the curb he goes!!! I konw that there will be more fucking tears and hurt. I fucking hate that. That is one reason I can't stand any of them but I can deal with that as long as he is gone, making it temporary!!! lol. I can't wait! Soon! Very very soon! I'm not letting them out of this one. She's the one that said the very next time he treats her like shit she would be done. She's said that before but if she doesn't then I have a good excuse to be the asshole I can be. I really can't wait!!!

Need? No! Want? Yes!

Don't fucking tell me I'm doing better! Especially, if you're going to tell me its because of you! Don't tell me you don't wanna be around me and then when I say leave if you don't want to be around me tell me that you're leaving because I told you to! I didn't say any such thing! Don't say you're my friend one day and not the next! I'm not a fucking yo-yo to be played with!

If I am doing better, which I doubt seriously most of the time, then it is because of me. I know, however, this is my roll coaster. I get better and then worse. I'm trying to stop the roll coaster and get the fuck off but it's hard work! My ups have nothing to do with you. My downs, on the other hand, are sometimes due to you. Please don't think that I can't live without you! I have survived the loss of people better than you, by far! I will live! I will thrive! So, please don't think that I need you!

Do I want you to leave? No! Do I want to never talk to you as a friend again? No! Will I, if I have to? Yes! Don't fucking say things you don't mean! I will take them seriously, and walk right out the fucking door, as long as you make it clear that is what you want. I will not beg! I will not plead! I may cry but the tears will end! Don't think, for a second, that I will drown in those tears though! Don't think that I won't come out better, after the pain ends!

I want you yes but please don't think that want equals need! I don't need you to be happy! I don't need you at all! Do I hope things work out? Of course!

I wish I was stronger. Then maybe I wouldn't feel the want so much! Maybe then I could say fuck you get the fuck away but I can't. Not yet! But I will let you go. So, please, know that you want that final goodbye before you say it. If you don't, then when you come crawling back, I may be over you and show you what pain is! Don't dish it out, if you can't take it!

Wow, it's been awhile. I've been really busy. Still am but thought that maybe I should write, anyway. Until last night I was keeping myself busy enough to not worry about anything. The drunk feeling comes and goes but hasn't been too bad. Last night it got really bad.

I went to the eye doctor. Well, I was feeling a but light headed but not bad at all, until the doctor started talking about my migraines. He wants me to do some tests. He said maybe they stem from the eyes. At that point, I didn't just have a slight buzz feeling, I had that full on drunk feeling. Head swimming. Body buzzing. I was sure he noticed but he didn't say anything. How could he not notice? Then he started talking about how much worse my eyes are. I told him that it had gotten so much worse in the last month to a month in a half. When he obviously got worried about this, I lied. I don't know why but I did. I didn't want to but it just came out. I don't really think I had a choice in the matter. What came out of my mouth was, "well, I mean, I noticed it a little here and there but just really paid attention to it recently." That was so not true but he seemed to feel better about it after I said it. Why couldn't I be honest?

Ever since last night, my head won't stop swimming. I'm freaking out a bit. I had a strange ass dream last night that I can't really remember but know that it was very disturbing. All I can remember is a car.

I sent my T bill but haven't heard from him. I wrote a note in it asking him to make me an appointment as soon as he got it. I did that because I was sure I would put it off, and figured I should get in there soon.